See you in there.........

newnewnewnewnewnewnewnewnewnewnew

Cabbages and Kings

Well the absence has been noteable, however exams called my name and I procrastinated my way few the last few weeks. Needless to say I didn't have time to write on here. Theres some catching up to do, but in bigger news i'm moving this part of my blog to another name, I'll post the link on here as soon as It's set up, I need a new title for new emotions, possibly just to show that this isn't all of me and that this one got bogged up in negativity that i am now seperating myself from, i want this to be more about thoughts than personal messages and it's time to make that change. xo

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off

go on, indulge yourself

a scar away from falling apart

I guess writing this blog has made me realise how fickle my emotions seem to be. Just when I'm feeling good, the ups and downs of life hit me like a sucker punch to the stomach and whilst I'm still trying to regain air my mind runs away on a path of its own again. I don't for one second think I'm the only person whose state of mind changes so quickly and on this rollercoaster I'm joined by the rest of the population, I just somehow don't think my seatbelt is connected properly. I walked in the middle of the road today and just for a few seconds wondered what it would be like if a car hit me, what it would feel like to die. I'm not suicidal or anything like this just fascinated by the thought of it. This scares me a little, as I get older my fascination becomes stronger and it quite often dominates my dreams, I just wonder how it would feel to not think anything, the last gasp of breath before your soul embarks, ultimate peace? flashbacks of memories? nothing at all? I'm feeling a bit odd today, I wonder if it shows? xo

A group of twelve or more cows is called a flink.

Life has its bright sides, some people do like to read about the happy times too. Watching the sun rise and fall, then pining about where the day went is much like the inevitable growth and collapse of love once its gone it feels crappy but it was still beautiful whilst it was there. Thinking about this has got me into thinking that maybe it's not always the ending that matters, it's what happens in between. I did love her and love for all its weaknesses is a wonderful feeling, one which turns an otherwise dull day spent in bed into a memory and one which you treasure. Pictures and postcards never quite tell the story of love, it is the emotion that makes them pictures special. My picture of her is very much still in my heart and although my heart sinks when i think of us a smile will still come to my face, it was never about old couples in the park it was about memories to last that lifetime and sharing something with someone who deserved every single beat my heart jumped for them. Now i start a new chapter but when I read back through my book, I'll make sure i don't skip a single word. Happiness is something that will evade you as long as you search for it, maybe it was just here all along. xo

Wanted: One Safety Blanket

I've met someone that makes me feel seasick

I am way out of my comfort zone, I think i'll hide away for a while

If I were to fall in love to a song, i think i pick this

Travis Mccoy knows where its at

Friends dont let friends dial drunk

today has had some serious ups and downs, arguments are something i can live without but continue to live with. mainly due to my half arsed nature and lack of any clear drive to do something productive but also due to my sheer love of making situations worse. That has been and gone and I think that in the end it doesn't matter. Ups have had their place, drunken dances with friends who cant help but last for a lifetime, she gave me butterflies all over again. However downs are inevitable, and as the pages of my blog start to develop they couple with an undying loyalty to my emo alter ego who will pause any moment and deconstruct it to total misery.  I'm not in it for pessimism or even sympathy, I just need to put this out of my system and let the increasingly embarassing texts remain inside my head. It's not like I even need her, I've never 'needed' anyone, just more of a want for something to stick inside my heart again. She stays there which feels somewhat scary but mainly like i don't want to just give up, I'm not sure whether it's the sinking feeling or the inevitability of me being in bed alone again this time next week thats getting me down or knowing that I just can't talk to her right now. Drunkenness brings out my honesty and honesty has never been an attractive feature of my person, I'd much rather hide behind every insecurity and pretend that I don't care. I think better like this though, I guess it's helping me block out some things i'm trying to hide from. I've never trusted my feelings once but at least this time i think she deserves them, not that the last one didn't she just let me down i guess, i hate it when that happens. I'd give the world not to let her down. I'm painting a picture of defeat but hoping someone gives me a blank canvas to start over. I miss her. There we go, 6 months plus whatever we stapled on and she meant more than I've ever known, I'm scared of hurting like that again, I couldn't love her the same again, truth is I still love her, I think part of me always will, I feel her in my mannerisms, my jokes, I still look for her in town, I hate caring about people, Love is something you leave behind, I just want to put it behind me. She gave me something to cling onto, real feelings, made me think i wouldn't miss 6 months. I still missed her, I just had a whole lot more hurt to go with it. Hurt is only worth it when there's something good to go with it, I'm not allowed the good part, I just wanted something, just to hold her tight, i want to feel like she is mine even if its only for a split second. my head is a mess but at least now its here instead of dialing numbers on my phone, I said drunkenness brings out honesty. xo

I'm falling in helping you get out

well the last few days have been a little surreal, i haven't really felt like myself much and i feel like i've let the real me down. It's like being in an out of body experience, looking in and just watching myself make a fool of myself. Whilst screaming 'NOOOOOOO' inisde my head i find myself conitinually following the same routine, and embarking on the yellow brick road to total humiliation. Why I can't stop it I haven't a clue but it's like driving a car towards a brick wall and noticing theres no brake. Not only this but theres one comment that is hanging over me, I don't know why you said it but if brutally honest at one time I did, but never since, well done on making things awkward. Surreal is what I called it and surreal is what it is, I cant wait to get back to normality - whatever that is.

I'm a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart

so last week got me thinking of dreams and all that jazz. it seems to me that without dreams you lose hope and even excitement, whats left to do if you dont dream of something special. Contentment is not a word i enjoy nor appreciate, my dreams are where i use my best moves. Dreams not only in the sense of closing my eyes and slipping off to somewhere not so far from heaven but also in the sense of aspirations which tend to take over my thought processes. without dreams we'd all be living in the dark and without someone wanting to do something that others thought they couldnt we'd be stuck in the middle ages. Innovation is not something i am scared of but something i applaud and creativity is my drug, they tried to make me go to rehab i said no : ]!

my bodywash seems to be running out a lot quicker recently

i think i need to do some exercise 0_O xo

Rebuilding my walls

because if all else fails i can rely on myself, for me relying on no-one else is not so much isolationism as sensible thinking. People have faults and people let you down, atleast if I let myself down then I have to get past it, when others let you down it just continues hurting. Right now no-one is more than a butter knife and their cuts barely scratch the surface.

Boys like me are dime a dozen

but girls like you dont come around very often and when they do they don't stay for long. My heart sinks with every single word you say, you said all those lines but not one convinced me you shouldnt be with me. I dont argue with them because who needs to be told what to think, I certainly wont do that. I wish i didnt want you and part of me wishes I'd never felt this for you, I'm running away from these feelings but packing a bag just incase you change your mind. xo

Suicide is only a seven letter word

The chair hit the floor,

her legs didnt,

they dangled like limp wrists,

the rope stayed strong,

she finally took control,

He took one last sip,

dutch courage.

found that spot in his mind,

closed his eyes,

let the wind decide his fate,

someone had taken away his wings.

she didnt feel it,

self harm left marks on her arms,

he left her with a broken heart

crimson stains meant she'd be remembered,

final bow of the great pretender,

she was never okay.

he traced his path with breadcrumbs,

no-one followed it,

if a tree falls in the forest does anyone hear it?

no-one was listening to his cry for help.

Gravestones are only a statistic,

They never tell the story.

Myspace or yours

it seems any girl who i meet and find remotely attractive these days is for one reason or another not available(emotionally), I think this boils down to one of a few things 1. i attract the wrong girls, 2. i'm attracted to the wrong girls or what I am starting to believe is the most likely that when a girl shows interest it slowly wears off or is non existent in the first place, the only place girls seem to find me attractive is the internet which leads to the age old question of whether the internet is killing off romance, being one of the dying breed i'll write you a love letter with an email attachment :).  I just want to make sense of all this craziness. xo

I never believe you on an empty stomach.

She surprised me, you didn't.

No Vacancy

i'm a liar im a fake im everything you hate

scraping the bottom of the barrell always leaves a nasty taste

i can paint the walls and pretend im okay,

my heart begins a slow decay,

until all thats left is beating to keep me alive,

stripped the walls no-one decorates the inside,

woe is me and all that jazz,

lock me away in alcatrazz,

cos you cant get lonely if you dont hold anyone close.

My heart wasnt around to see this

but for what it was, the tiny time, the hour that we had. wherever my heart is, you were in it. sorry for what comes next. 

love and hate are both four letter words

so are like, kiss, miss, hurt, - someday soon this will all be forgotten and at the bottom of the barrel you'll find my scrapings and wonder what if? whilst you're wondering look for the fish on the bench, i left that there, like you left me there. I'm leaving my feelings on that bench inside that fish and thats where they will stay.

Keep it simple now

it never is

I need to find myself again

I wish I could unzip my skin, and take it off

I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me

Questions seem to dominate right now: why cant i let myself be happy? why am i so scared of commitment? why does everything i say go shit? why is it that i always get what i want but in the wrong way? where were you? why did you let me in? questions always have answers but nothing im think i can be bothered to hear right now

My nappies were flared

You're a Coward, Straight Up

I am beginning to hate the word love more and more these days, if this four letter curse could just for once evade me then maybe I could clear my mind. The whole issue with love is not the initial feeling but the accompanying shit which never fails to make me feel like an asshole everyday of my life. Things will never be the same again but to let her go is to hurt her. Failure to recongnize my own failings engulfs what is and what will remain to be the hardest decision so far. Its funny how commitment is such a long word, 10 letters which spell out fear in every case. Maybe if it was shorter then I'd be less daunted by it, I mean I fall in love pretty much every single day. I wish she had never given me her heart, I've never been very good at looking after things.

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, But boys do it so much better.

I'm not in this scene i think I'm falling asleep but then all that it means is I'll always be dreaming of you

These dreams don't know what they're missing out on ;) xo

The Ballad Of A Teenage Suicide Bomber

Trying to carry the weight of the world,
Is all too much for one little girl,
Sixteen such a tender age,
The words jumped to you straight off the page,
Landed deep within your heart,
Began to slowly tear you apart,
Private life became secluded,
No-one understood like you did,
Lies soon became the truth,
Believed it all with or without proof,
The world was full of oppressors and thiefs,
They could take it all but not your beliefs,
Self loathing at an all time low,
When your shadow tried to slit your throat,
But still you drag those weary bones,
And slump them in a place called home,
Slowly start to rot away,
Watch the death toll day by day,
Place yourself within the queue,
It was all too much all too soon,
No looking back no time for turning,
Only thoughts of London burning.

Beneath the Moonlight

Stars always seem to look nicer when emotions are low, theres something about them thats oh so reassuring. The thought that someone out there is exactly where you are now, in hiding from yourself. With me its almost a case of hubris overcome by nemesis as in the version of me I created seems to be taking over my real self. I can't tell the difference sometimes, that scares me. Where is the quiet me who dealt with it himself and pulled a cloak over every sign of emotion? Like a Victorian photographer hiding within his dark cloak, taking a picture of the outside world whilst keeping himself firmly within his own. I long to be back there, maybe if I look into the stars for long enough i'll discover myself all over again.

These Friends Are Golden

I'm forever caught up in how delicately the human mind works and how a tiny incident of total insignificance can have me obsessing for hours. Or how just five minutes with best friends can change the whole outlook of a day, mood-swings are reserved for periods but the mood roundabout is spun everytime i get to sit down with any of my favourite people. Usually it turns an otherwise dull and uneventful day into something i can smile about. I'd rather waste time with them than with anyone else. My mind being prone to finding new ways to pass time constantly overthinks things and can manipulate my brain/heart into all sorts of situations, rather than get out of this habit I tend to stick with it and see where the wind takes me so to speak. To free this mind is to allow myself the joys of imagination, I would sell my soul for a glimpse of everyone elses. What if the life you see in day-dreams is real and this is the make believe right now, what if this blog is just a dream in itself and what we are living is only real once we close our eyes. What I would give to live just one day in what I see at night. I miss not being able to predict what is going to happen, I miss feeling insecure and scared of what is going to happen. That might sound ridiculous or even self-obsessed but I wish only for that feeling that whats next is something better. What if this is as good as it gets?

So Make Like A Tree And Get Out Of Here...

The week so far has been one which I have thoroughly enjoyed, not to say the weekend hasn't been welcomed like rain in the desert! That's mainly due to the lack of sleep on weekdays and the ever present parties that friday and saturday bring. Friday/Saturday morning with the girl makes life evidently more pleasant and the smile hasn't left my face just yet. Currently enjoying the 80's whilst watching one of the greatest films of all time 'Back to the Future', wondering where I would go if I had to take a trip back in time. Probably something significant, I'd like to meet someone important, not change history just talk to them. I'd like to talk to Shakespeare possibly, or Hitchcock at his prime. But as it goes I can't time travel so I think I'll stick to the here and now. Life has a funny way of guiding us right where we belong

?

There is nothing more powerful than a question.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

First crush, kiss, touch, fuck. things i'll never get back. I guess thinking that i'll never have that excitement, the nervous rush, the first experience again means i'll spend my time looking for something that feels as good. Who knows what that will be? Once they are gone that heightened sense of anticipation goes with it, you know what it feels like, the overbearing feeling now is that everything else just loses its rush. Will my heart beat as fast as the first time? will my lip shake as I look at her face and begin to lean in? I'm longing to be refreshed and get those feelings back, because now they are gone I miss every moment I spent just wondering of how it would be. I suppose the feeling that replaces it now is loving someone, knowing that she can make me truly happy, the drunken nights, the lost arguments that time forgets and the overwhelming feeling that she could be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Which one I prefer I'm not sure, but I don't know how many 'first's' I have left and I intend to make everyone count so that when its all over, I know that every first I had the chance to do I did and regrets are made to remind us that we are human and without them good memories wouldn't be half as special. First crush,kiss,touch,fuck. They all have to come sometime but each day is different and life is a blank canvas so I'm painting my own picture I just need the paint.

So you can love me or leave me or tear me apart

These friends could last a lifetime. As the weather is finally picking up I'm feeling something new that I haven't felt before, I'm not sure whether it's excitement for whats to come or merely enjoyment at what is now. The sun is shining and the world is becoming my playground and I'm embracing both with high expectations of a great summer. Love is a fools game but this fool is wiser than he looks. I appreciate these blogs have no real narrative structure but they are merely thoughts and when have thoughts ever stuck to the rules of literature, mine certainly don't. What I have been thinking about most over the last few days is what talent really is? and whether talent is actually valuable in a modern society so obsessed with duplicated arts, easily read and providing nothing but an hour and a halfs pitifully repeated scenarios culminating in about as much influence on its audience as Britain has on space exploration. When we give into this then we abandon talent and leave the pioneers stranded with only their own genius as company. Please do not forget what talent means, broaden your horizons for knowledge is more powerful than you will ever know and curiosity is what seperates you from a number or a label, you're mind is the one thing that is really yours. Don't dismiss people for exploring theirs.

Today's Victim Lines Tomorrows Waste Paper Basket.

April is a funny time of year it's just coming up to my birthday(which this year happens to be my 18th) and I'm filled with a sense of excitement mixed with the complimentary expectations of how the day will go. Aside from this the days pass with the inevitable drag when coming up to a big event and I become a little more on edge. I don't know whether it's my coming of age but I feel a wealth of injustice and a new found awareness for the world around me. My ever-present thirst for knowledge drives me to look for more answers and open more questions and my role in this world looks even smaller, but I guess that's all in whos eyes you're looking through. Mis-understanding leads to ignorance and I understand you can't blame the world for missing the point but maybe if the world opened it's eyes for just ten seconds we could change something. I'll accept my own downfalls with open arms but if we put a mirror on the moon i think people might just be scared of what they see. xo

But its the wrongs that makes the words come to life

How is it that we live in a society where a country which happily and freely kills innnocent people on their own land are allowed to host one of the most important sporting events in the world? I mean is it just me or is it reminiscent of the Nazi Olympics that we are allowing a country which avoids morals as if they were the plague a chance to present itself as a place to be proud. Rarely does it happen that the people that can make a change actually stand up and be counted. Also when a young girl is kicked to death for how she looks by two youths who would struggle to spell nevermind understand the meaning of humanity and when watching her young son being tried for murder the proud mother laughs along with him, when society is crumbling may we hope the foundations remain because right now it looks unlikely we have much to build upon here. But I'm 17 I have no position of power, I have no real threat to anyone but I am not scared. Not scared of this society, not scared of the inevitable decay of this proud land, not scared of the future or of what looks ever so likely to come with the next race of thugs jostling to become leader of the disintegration, Because they can never take my mind and aslong as I have an independent opinion I know I'm not just part of the drone of people who will follow this path to the edge of destruction then cling to the very bitter remains they have trampled on and pray to god for salvation. Judgement day is now and if this is the track and society the train then pull the emergency stop cos I'm getting off. xo

You said you'd keep me honest.....But I wont call you on it

As near to perfect as an album can get. Listen and learn. I will always be in the debt of these four boys, and if you haven't heard it from start to finish no stops, no interruptions then spare some time sit down and admire. And for all you people who were there before me, I am a fan, as much of one as any of you and just because they have more fans is not called selling out it's recognition for music which you love, which i love and which these boys make. Whether i got there a bit late is not the issue, the issue is i arrived. I wasn't there for the release of ttyg no, but i caught up, this is my soundtrack. xo

You clicked your heels and wished for me.

Easter holidays is going quickly, but i'm writing a lot so i guess that's good.
I don't really want to use this blog to comment on society or politics or religion so i'm gonna avoid that but all I will say is if you have freedom of speech then don't abuse it, appreciate that just because you can say it doesn't mean you should.

In other news I realised what friends really mean recently, Isolation is something i can live without these people are something i'd like to think will stay around. I really forgot what it felt to be accepted as myself for a while, it's nice to be back.

Even If You're Not Listening

I Cut a Hole In My Shoe So You Could See My Soul

So I sit in this cheap bar, depleted, flat broke,

Surrounded by cigarette stubs and second-hand smoke,

Other than that a faint essence of cheap perfume mixed with sweat,

But your eyes remind me of a thousand sunsets,

And your smile reminds me of why I come here each and every night,

On the off chance that it might happen this time,

Tonight we may speak or even converse,

A situation I repeatedly rehearse,

An image conjured in my mind,

A gift from God his perfect design,

You sit beside me you feel so close,

You wish you could be somewhere else,

You didn’t say that but I could see from your eyes,

You’re caught up in life, love taught you lies,

You whisper gently, your voice is soft,

Your breath is cold, I lean across,

You kiss me back your taste is sweet,

You see the beauty underneath,

And if you are to be my Belle,

Then I will save you from this hell,

Save you from the doom and gloom,

Of the speculation in a crowded room,

The brutes, the perverts, the lager fuelled thugs,

The social impurities of this dingy club,

But behold the unpleasantness of imagination,

For all a dream my fictitious creation,

A dream which has now so miserably ceased,

And I have succumbed to the woes of beauty and this beast.

That was one hell of a Disco (Even without the !)

You don't have to worry 'cos i'm still the same fan.
xoxo

I can't help quoting you

Today begins my blog.
How about I introduce myself.

17 without a purpose or direction.
Caught up in between dreams and reality.
Undermined by my undying loyalty to childhood memories.
Wanting to tell my story before it ends.

Now you have an excuse to remember me.

xoxo