Friends dont let friends dial drunk

today has had some serious ups and downs, arguments are something i can live without but continue to live with. mainly due to my half arsed nature and lack of any clear drive to do something productive but also due to my sheer love of making situations worse. That has been and gone and I think that in the end it doesn't matter. Ups have had their place, drunken dances with friends who cant help but last for a lifetime, she gave me butterflies all over again. However downs are inevitable, and as the pages of my blog start to develop they couple with an undying loyalty to my emo alter ego who will pause any moment and deconstruct it to total misery.  I'm not in it for pessimism or even sympathy, I just need to put this out of my system and let the increasingly embarassing texts remain inside my head. It's not like I even need her, I've never 'needed' anyone, just more of a want for something to stick inside my heart again. She stays there which feels somewhat scary but mainly like i don't want to just give up, I'm not sure whether it's the sinking feeling or the inevitability of me being in bed alone again this time next week thats getting me down or knowing that I just can't talk to her right now. Drunkenness brings out my honesty and honesty has never been an attractive feature of my person, I'd much rather hide behind every insecurity and pretend that I don't care. I think better like this though, I guess it's helping me block out some things i'm trying to hide from. I've never trusted my feelings once but at least this time i think she deserves them, not that the last one didn't she just let me down i guess, i hate it when that happens. I'd give the world not to let her down. I'm painting a picture of defeat but hoping someone gives me a blank canvas to start over. I miss her. There we go, 6 months plus whatever we stapled on and she meant more than I've ever known, I'm scared of hurting like that again, I couldn't love her the same again, truth is I still love her, I think part of me always will, I feel her in my mannerisms, my jokes, I still look for her in town, I hate caring about people, Love is something you leave behind, I just want to put it behind me. She gave me something to cling onto, real feelings, made me think i wouldn't miss 6 months. I still missed her, I just had a whole lot more hurt to go with it. Hurt is only worth it when there's something good to go with it, I'm not allowed the good part, I just wanted something, just to hold her tight, i want to feel like she is mine even if its only for a split second. my head is a mess but at least now its here instead of dialing numbers on my phone, I said drunkenness brings out honesty. xo