a scar away from falling apart

I guess writing this blog has made me realise how fickle my emotions seem to be. Just when I'm feeling good, the ups and downs of life hit me like a sucker punch to the stomach and whilst I'm still trying to regain air my mind runs away on a path of its own again. I don't for one second think I'm the only person whose state of mind changes so quickly and on this rollercoaster I'm joined by the rest of the population, I just somehow don't think my seatbelt is connected properly. I walked in the middle of the road today and just for a few seconds wondered what it would be like if a car hit me, what it would feel like to die. I'm not suicidal or anything like this just fascinated by the thought of it. This scares me a little, as I get older my fascination becomes stronger and it quite often dominates my dreams, I just wonder how it would feel to not think anything, the last gasp of breath before your soul embarks, ultimate peace? flashbacks of memories? nothing at all? I'm feeling a bit odd today, I wonder if it shows? xo

A group of twelve or more cows is called a flink.

Life has its bright sides, some people do like to read about the happy times too. Watching the sun rise and fall, then pining about where the day went is much like the inevitable growth and collapse of love once its gone it feels crappy but it was still beautiful whilst it was there. Thinking about this has got me into thinking that maybe it's not always the ending that matters, it's what happens in between. I did love her and love for all its weaknesses is a wonderful feeling, one which turns an otherwise dull day spent in bed into a memory and one which you treasure. Pictures and postcards never quite tell the story of love, it is the emotion that makes them pictures special. My picture of her is very much still in my heart and although my heart sinks when i think of us a smile will still come to my face, it was never about old couples in the park it was about memories to last that lifetime and sharing something with someone who deserved every single beat my heart jumped for them. Now i start a new chapter but when I read back through my book, I'll make sure i don't skip a single word. Happiness is something that will evade you as long as you search for it, maybe it was just here all along. xo

Wanted: One Safety Blanket

I've met someone that makes me feel seasick

I am way out of my comfort zone, I think i'll hide away for a while

If I were to fall in love to a song, i think i pick this

Travis Mccoy knows where its at

Friends dont let friends dial drunk

today has had some serious ups and downs, arguments are something i can live without but continue to live with. mainly due to my half arsed nature and lack of any clear drive to do something productive but also due to my sheer love of making situations worse. That has been and gone and I think that in the end it doesn't matter. Ups have had their place, drunken dances with friends who cant help but last for a lifetime, she gave me butterflies all over again. However downs are inevitable, and as the pages of my blog start to develop they couple with an undying loyalty to my emo alter ego who will pause any moment and deconstruct it to total misery.  I'm not in it for pessimism or even sympathy, I just need to put this out of my system and let the increasingly embarassing texts remain inside my head. It's not like I even need her, I've never 'needed' anyone, just more of a want for something to stick inside my heart again. She stays there which feels somewhat scary but mainly like i don't want to just give up, I'm not sure whether it's the sinking feeling or the inevitability of me being in bed alone again this time next week thats getting me down or knowing that I just can't talk to her right now. Drunkenness brings out my honesty and honesty has never been an attractive feature of my person, I'd much rather hide behind every insecurity and pretend that I don't care. I think better like this though, I guess it's helping me block out some things i'm trying to hide from. I've never trusted my feelings once but at least this time i think she deserves them, not that the last one didn't she just let me down i guess, i hate it when that happens. I'd give the world not to let her down. I'm painting a picture of defeat but hoping someone gives me a blank canvas to start over. I miss her. There we go, 6 months plus whatever we stapled on and she meant more than I've ever known, I'm scared of hurting like that again, I couldn't love her the same again, truth is I still love her, I think part of me always will, I feel her in my mannerisms, my jokes, I still look for her in town, I hate caring about people, Love is something you leave behind, I just want to put it behind me. She gave me something to cling onto, real feelings, made me think i wouldn't miss 6 months. I still missed her, I just had a whole lot more hurt to go with it. Hurt is only worth it when there's something good to go with it, I'm not allowed the good part, I just wanted something, just to hold her tight, i want to feel like she is mine even if its only for a split second. my head is a mess but at least now its here instead of dialing numbers on my phone, I said drunkenness brings out honesty. xo

I'm falling in helping you get out

well the last few days have been a little surreal, i haven't really felt like myself much and i feel like i've let the real me down. It's like being in an out of body experience, looking in and just watching myself make a fool of myself. Whilst screaming 'NOOOOOOO' inisde my head i find myself conitinually following the same routine, and embarking on the yellow brick road to total humiliation. Why I can't stop it I haven't a clue but it's like driving a car towards a brick wall and noticing theres no brake. Not only this but theres one comment that is hanging over me, I don't know why you said it but if brutally honest at one time I did, but never since, well done on making things awkward. Surreal is what I called it and surreal is what it is, I cant wait to get back to normality - whatever that is.

I'm a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart

so last week got me thinking of dreams and all that jazz. it seems to me that without dreams you lose hope and even excitement, whats left to do if you dont dream of something special. Contentment is not a word i enjoy nor appreciate, my dreams are where i use my best moves. Dreams not only in the sense of closing my eyes and slipping off to somewhere not so far from heaven but also in the sense of aspirations which tend to take over my thought processes. without dreams we'd all be living in the dark and without someone wanting to do something that others thought they couldnt we'd be stuck in the middle ages. Innovation is not something i am scared of but something i applaud and creativity is my drug, they tried to make me go to rehab i said no : ]!

my bodywash seems to be running out a lot quicker recently

i think i need to do some exercise 0_O xo

Rebuilding my walls

because if all else fails i can rely on myself, for me relying on no-one else is not so much isolationism as sensible thinking. People have faults and people let you down, atleast if I let myself down then I have to get past it, when others let you down it just continues hurting. Right now no-one is more than a butter knife and their cuts barely scratch the surface.

Boys like me are dime a dozen

but girls like you dont come around very often and when they do they don't stay for long. My heart sinks with every single word you say, you said all those lines but not one convinced me you shouldnt be with me. I dont argue with them because who needs to be told what to think, I certainly wont do that. I wish i didnt want you and part of me wishes I'd never felt this for you, I'm running away from these feelings but packing a bag just incase you change your mind. xo

Suicide is only a seven letter word

The chair hit the floor,

her legs didnt,

they dangled like limp wrists,

the rope stayed strong,

she finally took control,

He took one last sip,

dutch courage.

found that spot in his mind,

closed his eyes,

let the wind decide his fate,

someone had taken away his wings.

she didnt feel it,

self harm left marks on her arms,

he left her with a broken heart

crimson stains meant she'd be remembered,

final bow of the great pretender,

she was never okay.

he traced his path with breadcrumbs,

no-one followed it,

if a tree falls in the forest does anyone hear it?

no-one was listening to his cry for help.

Gravestones are only a statistic,

They never tell the story.

Myspace or yours

it seems any girl who i meet and find remotely attractive these days is for one reason or another not available(emotionally), I think this boils down to one of a few things 1. i attract the wrong girls, 2. i'm attracted to the wrong girls or what I am starting to believe is the most likely that when a girl shows interest it slowly wears off or is non existent in the first place, the only place girls seem to find me attractive is the internet which leads to the age old question of whether the internet is killing off romance, being one of the dying breed i'll write you a love letter with an email attachment :).  I just want to make sense of all this craziness. xo

I never believe you on an empty stomach.

She surprised me, you didn't.

No Vacancy

i'm a liar im a fake im everything you hate

scraping the bottom of the barrell always leaves a nasty taste

i can paint the walls and pretend im okay,

my heart begins a slow decay,

until all thats left is beating to keep me alive,

stripped the walls no-one decorates the inside,

woe is me and all that jazz,

lock me away in alcatrazz,

cos you cant get lonely if you dont hold anyone close.

My heart wasnt around to see this

but for what it was, the tiny time, the hour that we had. wherever my heart is, you were in it. sorry for what comes next. 

love and hate are both four letter words

so are like, kiss, miss, hurt, - someday soon this will all be forgotten and at the bottom of the barrel you'll find my scrapings and wonder what if? whilst you're wondering look for the fish on the bench, i left that there, like you left me there. I'm leaving my feelings on that bench inside that fish and thats where they will stay.

Keep it simple now

it never is

I need to find myself again

I wish I could unzip my skin, and take it off

I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me

Questions seem to dominate right now: why cant i let myself be happy? why am i so scared of commitment? why does everything i say go shit? why is it that i always get what i want but in the wrong way? where were you? why did you let me in? questions always have answers but nothing im think i can be bothered to hear right now

My nappies were flared

You're a Coward, Straight Up

I am beginning to hate the word love more and more these days, if this four letter curse could just for once evade me then maybe I could clear my mind. The whole issue with love is not the initial feeling but the accompanying shit which never fails to make me feel like an asshole everyday of my life. Things will never be the same again but to let her go is to hurt her. Failure to recongnize my own failings engulfs what is and what will remain to be the hardest decision so far. Its funny how commitment is such a long word, 10 letters which spell out fear in every case. Maybe if it was shorter then I'd be less daunted by it, I mean I fall in love pretty much every single day. I wish she had never given me her heart, I've never been very good at looking after things.

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, But boys do it so much better.